Should I Write This?

There are some words that I cannot fathom and assemble it to form a complete sentences. There are some words that I can’t even fit them into some of my writings. There are some situation that stops me from making a clear sentences that depict my emotion and what have been bothering my mind quite recently.

I guess this what happened every time I tried to post something here, undoubtedly just for the sake of updating. Please mind this update, cause I sort of drown into this melancholy feeling lately. My thoughts is eating me alive. It’s pathetic. But I solemnly swear I would never sort all of this things out without the help of my beloved friends.

And of course, by writing this down.

I do not know. I'm not good in sharing or any kind of nice words to be written. Whatever you call it. I'm standing between 2 choices. And confused. Sometimes scared and weird. Enough to say.

b19 day

So, where do I start?

January, I’m grateful for all of this thing happens for no reason. I’m no longer 18,

I continue to grow and blossom into a fine lady, and God bless me in every step of my way.

Thank you my friends, you always know how to make me happy even sad. Thanks for the cake. Another candles and gift.

2014

Happy New Year 2014!

Like people always said, this is the perfect time to start over. To begin a new you. And that is what I try to do every year, to be a better person than last year. To begin a new me. So like other people do, I set a list of resolution. This year the resolution is very clear : get an excellent mark, be better in college life, um… But one thing for sure, I want to be happy this year. Achieve things I want, not what others want. To do things that I want, not because everyone said I should do this and that. To really seek what I really want from life. And most of all, enjoy every moment I have.

Leaving 2013 was a bitter-sweet moment. It was a tough year. Tough enough to make me feel small and unwanted. Tough enough to make me feel that world is such an evil place to life. Sometimes I need to yell at myself to get a grip. But I've learn a lot from that. I've learn that not every person in your life willing to stay at the lowest point of your life. Some of them don't want to help you, they just watch you crumble. I've learn that people can change in a blink of an eye. One day they can be really nice to you, then the next day they can said the cruelest things to you. Or worse, about you behind your back. I've learn that people can hurt you. A lot. Without giving a shit about it. I've learn that those view people who willing to stay at your lowest point, those people who sincerely nice to you, and never want to hurt you is someone who really cares about you. And those person is someone you can keep and trust for the rest of your life. I've learn that no matter life punch you down, you have to get up and fight back. No matter how hard it is, no matter how painful it is, you have to go on. Because when you stop living your life, you will no longer a human. You no longer have a soul. Courage is one thing that can keep you going. Things will be fine if you believe it will be fine. But the most important thing 2013 have thought me was not to take everything for granted. Because God can take the simplest thing you have, things you sometimes forget to be grateful for. At the end of the day you have to look back what you have in your life, be grateful of every single things that life and God had offer to you. Be grateful. And always keep what you have now.

Thank you 2013. It was a great ride. Awesome adventure. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. Thank you. So long and goodbye now. Happy new year.

Milli & Nathan.

Milli & Nathan, bisa dibilang film ter-SMA banget menurut gw sama Indra.

Film nya sedih. Lawas sih. Tapi cerita nya seru, sampe sekarang.

Jujur deh nih, sebelum Indra mention gw di twitter, gw liat-liat Instagram nya Olivia Jensen, terus ada yang komen, “livvvvv kangen Milli sama Nathan”

Saat itu gw jadi kangen Indra :(

Eh tiba-tiba kebetulan banget. Emang jodoh kita In kalo masalah Milli sama Nathan, ckck.

Film itu kenangan banget ya!

Kelas 3 SMA, bingung setelah lulus mau gimana. Film nya gw banget (dulu). Bandung-SMA-kamu-kuliah-jarak.

Mulai sedihnya tuh pas Milli Nathan udah gak satu kota, huhu, padahal SMA mereka bareng mulu. Pacarannya sambil belajar juga. Kaya kita dulu Rif -_-

Terus Nathan muncul lagi ketika mereka mulai dewasa. Nathan, iya Nathan. Masih Nathan yang kebayang sama Milli. Walau Milli saat itu udah punya pacar. Tapi ternyata, emang masih Nathan. Terus ceritanya mulai sedih, lagi. Nathan menghilang lagi. “kamu tuh gak jelas. Kamu terlalu abu-abu buat aku.”- Milli.

Nathan. Datang pergi seenaknya. Kasian Milli. Tapi, ending nya keren banget loh! Huhuhu.

Another sketch of mind

hai.
The joy of liking people is to like them and find things that make you like them more. To wonder if actually, by any reason, they secretly like you as much if not more. Then love happens, with all of its vagueness, making things much more complicated than you want it to be. -kak Trisca
i think it's the perfect time to see another sketch of mind. Now that i think of it.
i'd rather be hated for who i am, not to be loved for who i am not. This is me.
The fact is, i'm not covering myself sometimes.
So guys, can you judge me as a bad person just because i'm not ready for being istiqomah all the time?
This is me. showing my hair when go outside. taking pictures without veil and posting them. i know, i know, how to dress as a moeslam. but with your attitude mocking and yelling at me, thats worst :-)

What do i do when i'm home

so guys, how was your day? im going to tell you unimportant thing. last thursday, i went home.
(in the middle of this super hectic week, and i went home..) good job, beauty.
bukan nya mau keluar dari tanggung jawab, tapi gw kangen ade gw sob, and thats the reason
anyways, thanks a lot Dad for this London stuffs. you know me so well. he doesnt even know that i love London, he gave me kind of London stuffs like key chain, pencil case, and else. i also decorated my room with everything about London, the pictures in frame, the flag, and peoples.

lets talk about home--
di rumah, gw bisa masak apa aja dengan asal-asalan. gw bisa masakin ade gw. gw bisa minum susu pake es batu. gw bisa shower an pake air anget. dan gw bisa nonton kartun favorite, oggy, gumbal, finn. those characters i love the most.
ceritanya semalem gw buka-buka lemari yang isi nya buku. oh, lagi-lagi gw sadar kalo dulu gw sangat suka baca. di situ juga ada buku catatan les gw. ya ampun sangat warna-warni, rapih, dan tulisan gw bagus. serius. bagus. sekarang? :') mba sella (aslab) bilang doi paling inget tulisan gw karena tulisan gw paling berantakan. makaseh banyaks.
ohiya! ada buku tahunan SMA ngakak banget coy foto wali kelas gw huahahaha sumpah bikin kangen ibu Endah. halo ibu. ibu, lucuuuuu.di sana juga ada sekumpulan surat cinta, foto, puisi, haha dan, debu.

beralih ke lemari lainnya, ada pernak-pernik yang dulu gw suka pake jaman SMP, SMA -_- ada parfume yang kalo gw semprot sekarang bakal bawa kenangan di SMP. ini parfume gw SMP banget. ada beberapa pulpen yang gak nyata. dan, debu.

kesimpulan nya, ada debu dimana-mana.

ohiya sekarang gw nulis hati-hati, soalnya blog gw di baca dunia. udah kesebar sampai mancanegara. halooo Dias, Rodi, pembaca setia blog gw :) halo Satria yang baru bergabung, welcome to the club :))

You deserve better

Friends, I wanna share something. No offense.

Cerita berawal dari pagi ini. Kuliah, dan ternyata dengerin orang persentasi. Sebenernya, aku paling gak antusias sama dosen yang suka ngasih tambahan nilai tapi lewat persentasi “materi”. Sudahlah. Skip saja.

Jadi begini, aku dan Jurin, entah awal nya bagaimana, tapi akhirnya kami jadi berdiskusi sendiri. Ha-ha-ha. Aku cerita kalo aku sebenernya menyayangkan dengan apa yang terjadi dengan aku sekarang. Aku bilang, aku gak percaya dengan orang yang dulu nya deket banget sama aku, tapi sekarang orang itu adalah orang yang paling jauh, jauh, jauh banget. Aku juga cerita kalo aku sebenernya worry sama ini, “mau sampai kapan?”

Usaha ku pernah dianggap nol. Sedih banget haha. Mulai dari saat itu, aku udah gak mau yang namanya “mulai duluan”. Aku capek. Jadi Citra yang dulu. Citra yang apa-apa kalo ada masalah harus Citra yang mulai duluan untuk menyelesaikan masalah itu. Citra yang nyamperin dan bilang “lo ada masalah apa sama gw? Kita ada masalah apa?” cukup. Itu capek. Kenapa, kenapa harus aku gitu yang duluan?

Jurin Cuma bilang, “cit, untuk sekarang ini, kamu jalanin apa yang ada sekarang. Kamu pertahanin apa yang pantas kamu pertahanin. Buat apa kamu pertahanin orang yang jelas-jelas dia sendiri gak mempertahanin kita?”

Useless-------.

Iya. Benar. Selama ini aku selalu mempertahanin orang, tanpa aku tau sendiri orang itu sebenernya mencoba mempertahankan kita apa tidak. Aku gak pernah liat usaha orang itu untuk mertahanin aku. Yang ada selama ini malah usaha aku dibuat nol besar sama dia. Terlanjur menyakitkan, sih. :)

Hei, this smile is for you.

Aku gak mau nyelesein masalah ini. Cukup itu Citra yang dulu aja. Citra yang sekarang mungkin lebih egois. Tapi, ini bukan egois namanya, ini realistis. Aku capek. Aku gak mau mertahanin kata kita lagi.

Untuk kamu, yang dulu nya jadi sahabat yang paling deket, paling ngerti, dan aku sayang.